At least wait until the year is over the make the judgment that the year has been unusually cool so far? Or are you talking about the other guys?

We’re having an unusually cool year so far in Alberta. It’s been quite chilly even. This has been the first hot weekend, peaking later today, and you wouldn’t believe the number of idiots on social media who think this one cold year has single-handedly disproved climate change. Meanwhile they’ve conveniently forgotten the absolute fucking nightmare the last five summers have been, with smoke-choked skies and perpetual respiratory pain. Though many of them also think the Liberals in Ottawa sent agents out last year to start the wildfires by arson in order to perpetuate the myth of climate change. There is really no winning with these stupid fucks.

THE CRAWLING CHAOS NYARLATHOTEP IS UPON US!

Thank you!

With or without the Google services, I bought my first Pixel years ago and have never looked back.

My wife and I just bought my first home this week. The market is fucking brutal. You think you’re getting in early to view a new listing and there are ten other realtors’ cards already on the kitchen table. Made the highest offer? Fuck you. This guy out of Vancouver offered market price with zero conditions. House is old as hell and really should have had an inspection. OH WELL! SUCK A DICK! 🤷

We wound up getting exactly what we had been waiting for. House was on the market for 13 hours, we were the first to make an offer, sellers accepted almost immediately. Inspection went well. Detached home in a cozy little cul-de-sac. Lush back yard with a high, solid fence. Dude, I can’t fucking wait. I’ve been in a townhouse with a back 40 that looks like the dormatories of a Russian mining complex.

The worst for us is stonefruit season. Every last person believes they have to squeeze all of the peaches and nectarines for ripeness, and within a few hours the entire display is full of deep bruises and fingerprints. They’ll do it even if they’re buying a massive bag, as if none of it can be expected to ripen over the coming days. We wind up throwing so much out due to excessive squeezing that it’s kind of disgusting.

I’m pleased that they found one with acceptable give, but they’ve destroyed three others in the process.

Wash your produce to the best of your ability. Old ladies (and occasional men) believe it’s their inherent right to lick their fingers every time they go to open a bag, and then pick through all the produce for the one they like most. Also, Cosmic Crisp is the best apple available.

I’m just going to start referring to myself as a socialite. Yeah, I’m pretty much a shut-in who only hangs out with his wife and kid, and yeah, I manage a produce section at a grocery store for a living and only pull about 49k gross, but it sure sounds distinguished, eh?

The heat? Buddy, you’re the human equivalent of a kazoo.

Caution… LASERRRR! Caution… LASERRRRR!!

Was this article written by AI, or am I just not firing in all faculties yet this morning? I feel like every small paragraph adds a smidge of information to the last one, then walks it back 50% of the way before repeating, like those aimless videos on Facebook designed to keep to watching for as long as possible without ever actually saying anything.

Taake ate eggs and toast this morning, and went to work.

Taake went to work, and when he arrived, his parking spot was taken.

His parking spot was taken at work. This made Taake visibly angry.

Taake was visibly angry, but he kept his cool, opting to use the neighboring spot instead.

With the neighboring spot secured, Taake proceeded into the building.

Taake entered the building and greeted reception.

After greeting reception, Taake passed through security. “Looks like you’re in the barrel today”, said security.

Taake was in the barrel today. He followed the red indicator to the anomalous research labs.

I don’t know, but if I ever went to prison I would be alright if I had a cell like this and materials to write. I would finally turn all of my world-building into a proper novel, and would hope I didn’t violent crime my way past public redemption.

That’s cool it comes with a small shelf for your cat to sleep on in case you’d like to bring him.

Amber Lamps, I think…

This has the makings of a fucking rad '80s monster movie.

As a father of a four-year-old, this story makes me want to fucking puke. Swept into a storm drain is one of the most horrific ways I could imagine losing my little girl.

Let me lay it the fuck out for you so you can understand… Just in case you’re the cunt who finds himself face to face with these individuals.

YOU DO NOT ASSAULT STEVE BUSCEMI…

Just as you DO NOT PUNCH RICK MORANIS.

Whoever is out there assaulting Steve Buscemi and punching Rick Moranis is a fucking asshole.

It’s rude to assault Steve Buscemi, and it’s rude to punch Rick Moranis.

I remember seeing be was a guest on Rogan and thinking, “Oh, wow. I guess I’ll listen to Rogan again this one time to hear a Kennedy talking.”

Turns out it was right on fucking brand for Rogan.

I experienced this a bit for a year or two after my wife and I had a kid. I don’t know if it was the reduced frequency of sex or what. I’d usually come to and realize I’m feeling my wife’s tits and grinding against her. She’s usually engaged as well at this point, but I’m always embarrassed and ashamed by the time I realize what’s going on. I think we only carried out the rest of it once or twice, but usually I snap out of it when things start heating up. Feels rapey and I don’t like it, even if she thinks it’s funny. Fortunately it hasn’t happened in ages.