I make music. I play videogames. Nothing else to it.

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Joined 4 months ago
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Cake day: April 8th, 2024

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  • No thanks. I’d rather talk to you about garlic bread. Here’s a brief history on it:

    The history of garlic bread is somewhat unclear, but it’s believed to have originated in Southern Italy as a way to use up leftover bread. The original recipe involved rubbing sliced bread with garlic and olive oil, but over time, the recipe evolved. Butter, or burro, replaced olive oil, and the bread was baked or toasted instead of grilled.

    “But p5!” You ask. “You’ve told us about its history, but not its types!” Well, look no further, friend! There are multiple types of garlic bread! Cheesy garlic bread, garlic knots, garlic pizza base, tomato bread, garlic naan bread, bruschetta, and even TEXAS TOAST! Isn’t that crazy? It’s like “normal” toast, except it’s TEXAS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH GARLIC BREAD THAT IS? Ah, I lost myself there. Excuse me. I just really, really feel very highly about garlic bread.

    Anyway, could you imagine a world without garlic bread? The world is already a bad place, but man, without the glorious, garlic infused deliciousness of it, the world would be just awful. Children would scream and cry, I’d scream and cry, Canada would be a nuclear wasteland (if you can’t see the obvious correlation there I simply don’t know what to tell you, just open your eyes), families would fall apart, the housing market in Norway would plummet (again, obvious correlation there), the international economy would be burned to the ground, my neighbor Johnny would have to start hiding the bodies elsewhere, and communism would win. Could you imagine that? It’d be horrible! Thankfully, though, these are all hypothetical.

    We’re all enjoying the “sex” here, but what’s truly sexy is a nice, heaping plate of garlic bread, fresh from the oven. Your wife isn’t the only warm hole in this situation if you’re adventurous enough! Yes, I’m implying you fuck garlic bread. There’s literally no other interpretation for what I just said. See? I made a funny sexual innuendo using garlic bread, hahaha! Phew, moving on. Did you know that garlic bread can literally cure depression? Even after everyone abandons you to your fate, you can always rely on garlic bread. If you suffer a gunshot wound, try rubbing garlic bread on it! It’ll be fixed in a jiffy. Did your kid get kidnapped? Have some garlic bread, that will make everything alright! Contemplating the existential crisis of existence and the impending, infinite void of nothingness that is death? Fuck that, have some garlic bread! The list goes on!